I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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