I smell stomach acid.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
