I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
