matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
