The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
