apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
