I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
