I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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