i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
