Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
