smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
