i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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