if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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