You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
