i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
