I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
