We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
