Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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