Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
