I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
