R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
