Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
