i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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