The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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