Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
