u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
