You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
