so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
