nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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