Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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