As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
