I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
