I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
