Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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