Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
