A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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