Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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