I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
