sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
