I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
