I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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