i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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