When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
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