i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We need to rekindle our bromance
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
