My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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