I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
