You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
