i'm signing you up for texting rehab
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
