1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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