Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
