After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I deserve this hangover.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
